It was muthas day and I am a mother. Bean made me this card. Here I am with my messy morning hair. She made me an Adventure Time card. Jake is the moon.
We ate eggs and tofurky sausage then my family left because Babydaddy has a mom and I didn’t have it in me to go.
I layed in bed a bit not wanting to go do anything. I started obsessing about death, I had just learned that oxygen slowly kills us. I like to entertain morbid thoughts and I decided if I ever killed myself I would leave a cliche suicide note that says “Goodbye cruel world.”
I couldn’t decide if the dead look down at us and think “you idiots none of this matters” or if they shake their heads and sigh at us “you fools this is all that matters”
I text my neighbor “can I borrow your clippers?”
She brings over her new set of clippers and a bottle of champagne. It was like wine country living punk. We shaved each others heads. We talked about the complex roles that mothers play in their children’s lives but also how ultimately they are going to be okay.
Punk rawk and I do love my shaved side, though it’s hard to tell in this photo.
the overplayed disco song
pumps into the ceiling
where my poached eggs
run over my teeth
it’s mother’s day
i delve into
the almost creature ovary
on my toast
on mother’s day
the waitress’s mother
comes in for a kiss
happy mother’s day mama
i’m bathing in diner scenes
and strained caffiene tea
the waitress is a stranger
who nourishes me
on mother’s day
-Bitch and Animal
Bean did some impromptu modeling this afternoon with her pops. He takes such great photos of her I had to steal them to show you all how big she is getting!
Bean don’t eat your friend Ben!!!
I love how animated she is with her modeling! She is such a performer!!
The weather is getting warmer and I am leaving my depression farther behind me. I always come out of the darkness having learned something and well I am realizing that depression is just part of the landscape of my life. Yesterday morning I get a text from my boss “Having a bbq at 2. xx” So baby daddy and I go to the gym and get some us time while Bean plays with kids in the daycare… Then we get dressed for a Sunday BBQ! IT’s my one year Anniversary of going blonde and I am starting to tire of being a blonde bombshell. LE SIGH! So I went brunette!
Polka dot swimsuit is modcloth the rest is thrifted. Pineapple is borrowed.
Beans favorite baby.
My captive audience
more captive audience…
bean knows where the party is!
And a buncha cam whores…
Okay well maybe I am just Jackie O for the day! BUt wigs really are a fun way to change your style drastically without committing!
I have been working on reinventing myself. I have gotten a lot out of performing burlesque and while I am not saying I am done with it I do want to pursue other creative pursuits. Not having as many shows or having to create new acts for theme shows has given me more time to learn to play songs. ON MY OWN.
My style of dressing has changed drastically. I rarely wear black I am obsessed with pink and while I love vintage I enjoy being less polished and actually like looking a bit more unkempt. Like I’ve been playing or just rolled out of bed.
A lot of the time I experience a wanderlust that leaves me scratching at the insides of my head. I go around in circles in therapy when it all comes down to this..
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that is your own self. So you have to begin there, not outside, not on other people. That comes afterwards, when you have worked on your own corner.”
So I work on my own corner but then I feel a distance from my family that leaves me guilt wracked. “I need you I love you get the fuck away from me.” Aw my husband loves me with an unending supply of patience. You see I have been using my other relationship as an audition….. please don’t fail me, love me, accept me and I keep telling myself that it isn’t special that I am some sort of love addict when I know very well that I tried to keep these feelings at bay and that I would whisper “I love you” into the dark post coital.
I have been existing in this strange world of I want this… a little bit… a lot….not at all. I entertain a multitude of outcomes. I know there is a comfort in my marriage that calms my soul. There is a passion with my lover that ignites me. I can’t have both with both because I need to find these things in myself. I accept both these people for who they are I do not try to change them yet I am constantly trying to change myself. I make plans for a better tomorrow…
bean “today is tomorrow”
me “today is today. tomorrow becomes today when you wake up.”
but then I realize in a way it’s all the same. Today tomorrow and yesterday are rarely that different from each other. It’s when I look over the span of two years that I see the difference… I see a happier more confident less stressed woman.
But I know this is only the beginning of working on my corner and I know I gained a lot of this through burlesque… I know once more I need to get outside my comfort zone and expand this little corner I have found… but I am scared.
Hung out with my friend of 20 years! wut wut! We went to the arcade and afterwards got some icecream. Basically we had the teenage dream date without any of the “expectations”
I dressed pretty nerdy. Grandma pants a sweater and a collared shirt. Being pop collar cool while having some butter pecan ice cream.
I have enrolled my Bean in dance classes. Ballet! She loves it. I am not a morning person so getting over to ballet before the 9:30 class starts is a big deal. I hope she remembers that I did this shit. The thing is I find it very fulfilling taking my child to dance class. All the moms sit in the lobby talking about potty training and preschools. The whole time I think I AM ONE OF YOU!! and actually while I am writing this one of the other “ballet moms” just texted me. So I am in the clique.
Perhaps I have found another calling… STAGE MOM!
sing out louise!!!!
Isn’t she just the poster child for grace!! I played her my favorite song from when I was 5 “Ballerina girl” by Lional Richie.
When we got home she went to use the rest room well atleast I thought she did. She actually well um did her make-up.
THAT’S MY BEAN!
I have been wearing loungewear as errandwear. I feel like baby in this comfy girly gettup.
photos by Bean. House dress and sweater are thrifted. Slip is vintage and moccasins are minnatonka.
I spoiled Bean and let her pick out her own snacks for our park life.
I wore the same outfit the very next day to buy fabric for my next costume and then checked some thrift shoppayz with my beau.
sooooo fluffy and soooo pink!
Thrifted Easter bonnet!