I don’t know if you noticed but I’m a little indulgent. One thing that really stood out for me in my tarot reading was the temperance card.
This is what this blog was all about. the balance of motherhood and a life outside of the home. I have struggled with being a good mother and living a fulfilling life. Can I have both? I want stability and romance. I have no more illusions about my marriage. I know what it is and I know my role in sabotaging it. I have built an impenetrable wall around me. Like any couple we have irreparable damage. He helped put that wall up. Sometimes I let him in and I realize he will never be allowed into the inner sanctum. Sure, it’s sad. C’est La Vie. I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. I also realized that my life really isn’t about me, and even though I don’t owe anyone anything. For Bean I need to be kind and treat her father dear. He is a good man and a good friend and I love him. We are forever tied to on another. It’s not fair for him to expect me to feel ways I don’t feel and it’s not fair for me to completely shut him out. My marriage is it’s own story. It is not the story of every relationship I may experience in life.
I am slowing down I am being aware of my thoughts and my actions. I am not a victim of my choices. I am empowered. I have an amazing little girl and if I take the time to be present in my life I can truly enjoy her sweet personality. I am a great mother three days a week. There is a flow in the household right now and Bean is grooving on it. My days off our structured with some scheduled free time. I still get out. I still go to bed late. I still sleep in till 10:00.